It doesn’t always turn out this way, but sometimes there are more factors than love…. like family, responsibilities, expectations… on and on. Guess it is what it is.
We have been dating for over a year and so far mama and papa know nothing about me. This has been perfectly fine by me for about a year because I just got out of a twelve year marriage. I wasn’t enthusiastic about jumping back in… So why do I care?
I care because he is a great guy. I really wasn’t ready for a great guy. I wanted to date around and have fun. I was ready to be 21 again or at least date a 25 year old guy with ripped abs and throw caution to the wind. I enthusiastically entered cougar territory to prey on the young. All was going as planned…. then I met him.
I call him “SCB”… sweet, cute boyfriend. He may be the best boyfriend I have ever dated. He is a charming, thoughtful, smart, funny, hard working gentleman. …. He is also a Chinese male, only child who has been raised to do exactly what his parents taught him to do… which by the way, does not include a black woman. Even though I get that he loves me and I love him this ain’t Romeo and Juliette and I can not have blood shed over this mess.
I have met all his friends except the church friends and his family. The church friends are the most important and his parents know nothing about me… I mean nothing. As a matter of fact they really don’t know who he has ever dated, which is why they are putting so much pressure on him to get married and give them grandchildren. They would kill him if they knew he was going around with a divorced black woman with a child. I don’t think he can handle the pressure.
If I was a bit younger, this would be devastating but unfortunately, it is apart of the BWAM game. It comes with the Asian male territory. Until, it changes, it remains the same. But why is it this way? Why can’t Asian men do what they want to do? I present this question as a general statement for us BWAMers to ponder. Most, not all Asian men are in this box. I feel a little sorry for them, but mostly sorry for the many woman that stand in the shadows confused by their actions.
My parents have always been supportive, but they see what is happening. They worry about my heart and how I will handle the inevitable. I want to believe that he will turn into this strong individual man that will stand up to his church, his family, his long held cultural prejudices, his ethnicity, his family friends, every Chinese person in Asia, China Town, the Ranch 99 grocery store shoppers and the perceptions of fear he has in his mind. He has entered unfamiliar interracial territory… for what? Love? Maybe that is not strong enough. Maybe for him, it is just easier and safer to do what his parents want.
My first marriage wasn’t exactly like that. Maybe because I made it happen. I wanted him and I moved it right along. Now that I look back at it, he was really scared. I made him marry me… lol. Then he found out that it was going to be okay. No one died. His parents survived and we made it work until I realized that I had to make everything work. It proved to be too exhausting for me. I got out. Damn, is BWAM really worth it? Asian men what is going on?
My confusion now is… should I stay and play the game until it ends? Should I go now? Neither is a fun decision. It is so much easier to be a indiscriminate cougar just fooling around trying not to get attached. (btw woman can’t do that well either)
Oh, where is the Korean Jesus when you need answers?
So I started pulling back a little this week. I am trying my hand at being realistic. I can not make him do what I want him to do. He has to be willing to live outside of the box with me…