I met the doctor many years ago after talking to my cousin about how difficult it was to find a “good man”. Being a young doctor, he decided to look within the ranks of his colleagues at his hospital and set upon this nice African American resident that he could introduce me to. At the time I was a flight attendant and I flew out from Chicago to Baltimore to meet him for a double date with my cousin and his wife.
My cousin was what I would consider, the perfect catch. He was a good looking, sensitive, and caring brain surgeon with perfect teeth. I figured if he could find someone just like him, I would be ecstatic. And the idea of being a doctor’s wife was more than the perfect scenario.
The young resident seemed genuinely interested right away and we started dating immediately. I quickly scheduled the rest of my life to make sure I was flying to be with him every weekend. Over the next series of weeks I would go to and from Baltimore visiting him. By the end of the first week over the phone he was talking about our future. He said he could see us getting married and creating a beautiful life together much like the Huxtables. Of course I wasn’t an attorney but who cares… I am going to be a doctor’s wife.
He seemed so interested in me that I didn’t look for precautions, red flags or anything. Maybe because I met him through my cousin or maybe it because he seemed so enamored with me. I had no rules and went with the wave. I’d fly out and stay with him and we’d play house.
Within the first weeks it seemed to be going very well. He told me that he wanted to marry me and we started talking about plans of me moving to Baltimore and meeting his parents. Within a couple of weeks we were discussing all the details of the wedding and where we would go on our honeymoon. Within the month we were talking about having children and what we were going to name them. It was going so well and so fast. It was kind of strange to me at the time, but I just thought, maybe he was in love. Also, wouldn’t it be nice to be a doctors wife. I was whisked away in the fantasy.
But soon I began to wake up from my dream and noticed some things he say casually. Although, just days earlier, he was initiating wedding bells, his enthusiasm shifted. He asked, “What am I going to tell my parents that you do for a living?” I said, “Tell them I’m a flight attendant”. He frowned. Oh well, he loves me so he will find a way. Then he asked “What am I going to tell my parents about you not finishing your college degree?” “What? Tell them I am going part time.” I was a working college student at the time. Then he casually mentions. “You really should lose 25lbs. You’d look better.” I was really too dumbfounded to be insulted thinking, I can’t lose 25lbs. I’m 5’10, 150lbs. I am definitely not interested in being any smaller than that.
Now I am looking at him sideways. He obviously has some issues. Who does he think he is? Then he said what I considered the stupidest thing I have ever heard and finally the deal breaker. “You’re not as light skinned as I thought you were.” I was like, huh?! Seriously!? What does that even mean? Now ladies, that statement hit me square in the cotton fields of ignorance. That slapped me so hard that while writing this I still want to punch him. What the hell? What happened to all of the excitement about me and our future together? Where did that go? That was all bullshit. It was a means to an end.
Now it is obvious. But at the time, it was not clear. As I matured I realized there were several things I would have done differently. Now I know that I make the rules. If I had known what I know now…
After that, I quickly ended that stupid relationship. Later evaluation taught me, he may have felt interest in me but within the first week that wore off. The fact was there there was no chase for him. I was chasing him. He was a man getting what he wanted at my expense. There’s no excuse for him being an asshole. I was so excited about my fantasy that I was not being the beautiful, elusive, trophy. He was the catch. He also was an asshole.
I walked away from that relationship learning something. But I still had much more to learn.