Granny Nation

There is no other article of clothing that worries me more. Surprise, It’s not my bra. The bra is definitely the work of the devil but panties are just worrisome. If I didn’t feel the unnecessary burden to wear them everyday, I really wouldn’t.  But there is way too much shame in going commando when you’re over 40. I mean seriously, what if you get into an accident? And the breeze gives me the urge to pee. Anyway, panties are here for a reason.

I recently went through my lingerie drawer to rid myself of old memories and younger days and realized now, it’s all about comfort and control. Sexy sometimes, but control always. It’s less about those times when you entertain your husband right before they end up on the floor and more about a wedgy-free conversation with your boss. You gotta stay focused in these times. Nobody’s got time to be digging for frayed fabric in their butt or an unwelcome trip to doctor just because you want to avoid pantylines. You have a take great care to get the exact pair for every occasion.

When I was young, I had the garden variety of thongs that gave the illusion of sexy. Thongs are for the young. Don’t get me wrong, you can wear thongs if you want to but it’s just a matter of time when the truth cuts you like a knife. Don’t trust Sisqo. It’s all lies. LIES LIES LIES! They look sexy in the magazines and on young cellulite free butts but a thong on an old butt looks like that piece of fabric is being strangled. When you get to be my age you realize the only civilized pair underwear is a full brief.

Yes it is GRANNY NATION my friends, much to my husbands horror. He watched as one by one, I piled them up for a ceremonial burning. Yes, there should be a holiday where women of the world can burn old flames in a big fire. This was not only cleansing but also therapeutic. I will no longer fool myself into this false sense of sexy. I can no longer strangle my vaja for another. With this declaration, I fully acknowledge that the full brief lacks sex appeal but so does an infection. Ladies please listen to your vaja. She’s choking.

Not only that, the granny is the most optimal pair to make real life decisions. When you are looking to get a good job, buy a house or have a winning smile at that interview, look no further than the granny. Your butt is securely confident that you can walk into any room. It can handle any conversation without letting you down. You can answer any serious question with ease and you will not worry that you will be taken off your A game by the slow, agonizing splitting of your lady parts.

So ladies, rejoice. Take a stand. Don’t let nobody grab you were there isn’t full protection. Stand tall and Let’s make Vaja’s Great again.

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